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f THE LAMENTABLE 
'i TRAGEDY OF McLIZZIE 




PUBLISHED BY 

The* Dr-amatic Publ-ishing Compant 

CHA.ULES H SEILGEL. . PRESIDENT 



b 



Hageman^s Make-Up Book 

By MAURICE HAGEMAN 

Price» 25 cents 

The importance of an effective make-up is becoming' more appar« 
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CONTENTS 

Chapter I. General Remarks. 

Chapter II. Grease-Paints, treir origin, components and use. 

Chapter III. The Make-up Box. Grease-Paints, Mirrors, Face 
Powder and Puff, Exora Cream, Pvouge. Liquid Color, Grenadine, 
Blue for the Eyelids, Brilliantine for the Hair, Nose Putty, Wig 
Paste. Mascaro, Crape Plair, Spirit Gum, Scissors, Artists' Stomps, 
Cold Cream, Cocoa Butter, Recipes lor Cold Cream. 

Chapter IV. Preliminaries before iViaking up; the Straight Make- 
up and hovy to remove it. 

Chapter V. Remarks to Ladies. Liquid Creams, Rouge, Lips, 
Eyebrows, Eyelashes. Character Koies, Jewelry, Removing Make-up. 

Chapter VI. Juveniles. Straight Juvenile Make-up, Society 
Men, Young Men in 111 Health, wim Red Wigs, Rococo Make-up, 
Hands, Vrists, Cheeks, etc. 

Chapter VII. Adults, Middle Aged cind Old Men. Ordinary Type 
of Manhood, Lining Colors, Wriuivlts, icouge, Sickly and Healthy 
Old Age, Ruddy Complexions. 

Chapter Vill. Comedy ard Character Make-ups. Comedy Ef- 
fects. Wigs, Beards, E.\ebiows, ^oses. Lips, Pallor of Death. 

Chapter IX. The Human Features. The Mouth and Lips, the 
Eyes and Eyelids, the Nose, the Chin, the Ear, the Teeth. 

Cliapter X. Other Exposed Parts of the Human Anatomy. 

Chapter XL Wigs, Bearas, Moustaches, and Eyebrows. Choosing 
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Wigs, Ladies' Wigs, Beards on Wire, on Gauze, Crape Hair, Wool, 
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Chapter XII. Distinctive and Traditional Characteristics. North 
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Politicians, Cowboys, Minors, Quakers, Tramps, Creoles, Mulattoes, 
Quadroons, Octoroons, Negroes. Soldiers during War, Soldier.': dur- 
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Englisiimen, Scotchmen, Irishmen, Frenchmen, Italians, Spaniards, 
Portuguese, South Americans, Scandinavians, Germans, Hollanders. 
Hungarians, Gipsies, Russians, Turks, Arabs, Moors, Cafhrs, Abys- 
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CHICAGO. ILl INOIS 



THE LAMENTABLE TRAGEDY 

OF 

McLlZZIE 



IN SONG AND VEESE 



By 

ONA WINANTS BORLAND 

Author of 

"The Lamentable Tragedy of Julius Caesar," 
"The Lamentable Tragedy of Omelet and Oatmealia," etc. 



coptrighi 1916 
By The Dramatic Publishing Company 



CHICAGO 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 



'249 



CHAEACTEES 






Adherents of McLizzie. 



Duncan — Prohibition senator. 

Michael McLizzie — Candidate for U. S. Senate, backed by "wets" 

and "suffragettes." 
HowcoME — Duncan's son. 
Addlebrain — Duncan's secretary. 
Pat Finnigan " 
Mike Maguire 
Billy Flynn 
Mike McGlyn^ 

Dinnis I 

Pete > Policemen 

Dyer J 

Herr von Tough — The dark horse candidate. 

Schneider and His Band of Three — Adherents of von Tough. 

Lizzie McLizzie — An ambitious wife. 

First Suffragette j 

Second Suffragette }>Who speak for themselves. 

Third Suffragette I 

Chorus of from eight to fifty male and female voices. 

Nearly all the tunes referred to will be found in "College 
Songs," published by Oliver Ditson. 

Amateur actors are warned not to perform this play until they 
have the written permission of the publishers. The royalty fee 
is five dollars for each performance, payable in advance. 




CIS 45710 

DEC 23 1916 



*2t.^ / 



COSTUMES 

Duncan— Silk hat, crepe band, Prince Albert coat, sideburns; 
anything sanctimonious. 

McLizziE— Extreme Irish burlesque, red wig. 
lIowcoME— The plate of fashion. 

Addlebraix— Extreme English burlesque, plaid trousers, monocle, 
etc. 



Pat Finnigan 
Mike Maguire 
Billy Flynn 
Mike McGlyn _, 



Extreme Irish burlesque, with as much variety 
as possible. 



Dinnis' 

Pete 

Dyer 



If impossible to obtain policemen's uniforms, cadet uni- 
forms may be adapted. 



Herr von Tough — German burlesque, long pipe, grey chin whis- 
kers, trousers baggy at knees, little cap, etc. 

Little German Band — With emphasis on large horn, trombone 
and drum. Wear wooden shoes. 

Lizzie ]\IcLizzie — Red wig, green dress. 

Three Suffragettes — First. College girl, cap and gown, very 
pretty. Second. Old maid to look like "Miss Democracy," 
curls, spectacles, poke bonnet, hoop skirts, etc. Third. Short, 
fat, belligerent; flat sailor hat, umbrella unfurled, market 
basket, etc. 

Chorus— Bright fantastic costumes, a preponderance of Scottish 
plaids when possible. Female voices only are used for Suf- 
fragette numbers; male and female for constituents; German 
Band, etc. 



THE LAMENTABLE TRAGEDY 
OF McLIZZIE 

ACT I 

Scene I. [Three suffragettes under one umbrella. Imitation 
rainstorm, by means of sand/^aper, electric fans, flashligJits, etc., 
behind the scenes. Tunc, "Annie Laurie."^ 

First Suffragette. 

When shall ive three meet again — 
In thunder, lightning and rain? 

Second Suffragette. 

When the hurly-burly's over 
And men have run to cover. 

Third Suffragette. 

When the battle's fought and won 
And our suffrage race is run. 

All. But for equal rights for women 

We would gladly curl up and die. 

[After whirling in dance, sing — Tune, "Man Who Has 
Plenty of Peanuts."] 

All. The man who has plenty of ballots and votes 

And giveth his sister none, 
He shan't have any of our good votes 

When we the ballot have won, 

When we the ballot have won, 

When we the ballot have won ; 
He shan't have any of our good votes 

When we the ballot have won. 

[Clap of thunder, flash of lightning. They vanish.] 

Scene H. [Duncan, Howcome and Addlebrain enter, in a 
parade icith a Temperance Transparency. Tune, "Vale, IV. C. T. U. 
Song."] 

5 



) • THE LAMENTABLE TRAGEDY 

We're coming we're coming, our brave little band; 
On the right side of temperance we now take our stand. 
We don't use tobacco, for this is what we think, 
That them as does use it most always does drink. 
Down with King Alcohol ! 

Duncan. [Tunc, "Bullfrog."] 

Oh, Tm Senator Duncan. 
H. & A. He is Senator Duncan. 
Duncan. Prohibition Senator. 
H. & A. Prohibition Senator. 
All. Famous Senator Duncan, 

Who was "never, never drunken. 

He voted dry, and that is why 
The wets are after him ; 

Singing, "Old Duncan's day is ended, 

For the wets he has offended," 

Singing, "Give us Duncan's scalp," 

Singing. "We want Duncan's scalp, 
Tra la la la, tra la la la, 

Give us Duncan's scalp." 

Duncan. [Tunc, "Drink to Me Only—''] 

Drink to me only with closed eyes. 

And I will close mine, too. 
My rule is, "Look not on the cup," 

And that is a good rule, too. 
No man has ever seen me drink, 

Nor ever seen me drunk ; 
To no such depths would ever sink 

Your good old Senator Dunk. 



For six long years we've served the State, 

And served it many a trick. 
And if the Boss don't change his slate, 

Six more we'd like to stick. 
Our record is clean, an absolute blank; 

Six years in silence we sat. 
Conservatives, you've got us to thank 

For always sitting pat. 



OF McLTZZTE 

HowcoME. [Tunc, "A Way Wc Have at Old Harvard.''^ 

How come Pa to get to the Senate ? 

How come I to be his own son ? 
How come Pa to hold such a tenet 

As Pro-hi-bi-bi-ti-on? 
NO Pro-hi-bi-ti-on, 

Not for this young son of a gun. 
How come Pa to get to the Senate? 

How come I to be his own son? 
How come Pa to hold such a tenet 

As Pro-hi-bi-ti-on? 

It's a way they have in the Senate 

To hold an untenable tenet, 
Defend it, amend it. ne'er end It, 

But table it SINE DIE. 

They table it SINE DIE. 
But don't tell the people why 

We wait for legislation 
And get only agitation 

While the Senate takes a vacation, 
Adjourning SINE DIE. 

Addlebrain. [Tunc, "Mush, Mush."} 

'Twas in Washington I learned to dance, 
To hesitate, tango and prance. 

The fox trot and the lame duck and canter, 
I took them all in at a glance. 

Oh, I'm agile in ankle and knee. 
The Castles aren't in it with me. 

The Maxixe and the Fishcrawl and Spanish 
Are easy as walking to me. 

Oh, it's slush, slush, slush, tu-ra-liaydy. 
And it's slush, slush, slush, tu-ra-liay, 

With a dip and a glide and a lady 
LIFE in Washington suits me O. K. 

'Twas in Washington I learned to flirt 
With the maidens so pretty and pert ; 

But to judge of the heart by the dress skirt. 
Oh, I had to be very alert. 

When the dress skirt was full 'twas a sure sign 



THE LAMENTABLE TRAGEDY 

The heart was as empty as — mine. 

When the skirt was most filmy and soft-like, 
The heart was quite hard as a spike. 

Oh, it's mush, mush, mush, tu-ra-liay-dy, 
And it's mush, mush, mush, tu-ra-liay ; 

With a smile and a nod from a lady, 
LIFE in Washington suits me O. K, 

[Addlebrain and Howcome exeunt, dancing. Enter R. 
, Three Suffragettes.] 

Three Suff. \_To Duncan — Tune, "Coming Thro' the Rye."] 

If elected to the Senate will suffrage get your vote? 

If you promise and then fail us, we will get your goat. 
Every statesman has his hobby ; you must have one too. 

Unless you help the suffrage lobby, we'll beat you 
black and blue. 

Duncan. [Tune, "Believe Me."] 

Believe me, if all those endearing young charms, 

Which I gaze on so coldly today, 
Were to fling themselves suddenly right in my arms, 

I would still have the courage to say, 
"Avaunt and begone ! Tempt me never again. 

Let thy loveliness lure as it will, 
I have one hobby now, and for that I'd be slain; 

Prohibition is my hobby still." 



ACT II 

Scene I. McLizzie. . [Enters zvith Chorus. Tunc, "Harrigan' 
by George M. Cohan.] 

Who is the man who will wink when you want a drink? 

McLizzie, that's me. 
Who do you think is the fellow who's got the chink? 

McLizzie, that's me. 
I'm just as proud of my name, you see, 

As an emperor, czar or a king could be. 
Who gets so busy as Michael McLizzie? 

McLizzie, that's me. 



OF McLIZZIE 



CHORUS 



M-C-L-I-Z-Z-I-E, spells McLizzic. 

Proud of all the Irish blood that's in me ; 
Where's the man that can saj a word ag'in me? 

M-C-L-I-Z-Z-I-E, you see. 
Is a name that a shame never has been connected with, 

IMcLizzie, that's me. 



Where is the man you can't find something bad about? 

IMcLizzie, that's me. 
Who is the man that the town's simply mad about? 

McLizzie, that's me ! 
The ladies and babies are fond of me; 

I'm, fond of them, too. in return, you see. 
Who is the gent that's deserving a monument? 

McLizzie, that's me. [Repeat cJiorus.] 

Three Suff. [To McLizzie— Tune, "My Boniiic."] 

IMcLizzie is surely a statesman. 
McLizzie is going to be great. 
IMcLizzie must surely get onto 

The Bosses' political slate. [He starts to turn front 
them.] 

Chorus. [Sung zvith soprano, alto and tenor parts.] 

Come back, come back. 

Come back, McLizzic, to us, to us. 

Come back, come back, 

We will give you no cause to cuss. 

1ST SuF. Last night as I lay on my pillow. 

2D SuF. Last night as I lay on my bed. 

3D SuF. Last night as I lay on my ostermoor. 

All. I dreamed that old Duncan was dead. 

Chorus. Campaign, campaign. 

Campaign, McLizzie, for us, for us. 

Campaign, campaign, 

It's Senate and suffrage, or bust. 

Three Sues. [Tune, "Coming Thro' the Rye."] 

If elected to the Senate, will suffrage yet your vote? 



lo THE LAMENTABLE TRAGEDY 

McLizziE. ^ 

Oh, Suffragette, now you may bet, for ye I'll doff me 

coat. 
Ivery statesman has his hobby ; suffrage shall be mine. 
I'll back that three-leaf suffrage lobby with money, 

brains and time. 

Three Sues. 

If elected to the Senate, will you make a speech. 
Saying man is but the peach-stone, woman is the peach? 

McLizziE. 

Yis, I'll make you that oration, I'll do that very thing; 

But I will claim that I'm a freestone, 
And you are but a cling. 

[McLizziE and Three Suffragettes dance and exeunt.] 

Scene II. ]\Irs. McLizzie. [Enters. Tune, "Forsaken."] 

Forsaken, forsaken, forsaken am I, 

Like cement in a subway my buried hopes lie ; 

McLizzie has left me for three suffragettes, 

And left me no money to pay his old debts, . ^ ' 

And left me no money to pay his bad debts. 

I've tried to reform him, reform him I've tried. 
But I might's well have lain down, have lain down 

and died ! 
He might have been Governor or Secret'ry of State, 
But he wouldn't stay sober, and rum's out of date. 
But he wouldn't stay sober, and rum's out of date. 

McLizzie. [Enters. Tune, "Wearing of the Green."] 

Oh, oh, Lizzie, dear, McLizzie, hear, Oi've got good news 

for you. 
Oi'm going to get the suffrage vote, and get elected, too. 
Oh, oh, you may bet the suffragettes will put the thing 

right through. 
We'll get there yet, and Washington's pet, dear Lizzie, 

shall be you! 



OF McLIZZIE II 

Oi met by chance three suffragettes who tuk me by the 

liand, 
And they asked me now for Senator how would Oi Hke to 

stand. 
And Oi says, "How would Oi like to stand?" 
Says Oi, "Why, not at all ; 
Oi could not stand to stand/' says Oi, 
"But RUN, and beat them all." 

[McLizziE and Mrs. AIcLizzie do a dance illusfrating 
Running for Office.] 

Mrs. McLizzie. [Tune, "Buttercup."] 

My name may be Lizzie, yis, Lizzie McLizzie, 
But Oi'll get there jist all the same. 
Oi'll turn their heads dizzy with Lizzie McLizzie, 
Begorry, for what's in a name? 

His name is McLizzie, yis, Mickie McLizzie, 

But Senator Macbeth he'll be. 

He'll keep them all busy, their brains all gin- fizzy, 

When he goes to Washington, D. C. [Both dance.] 

McLizzie. [Tune, "Paddy Duffy's Cart."] 

The many happy evenings Oi've spent with all the boys, 
A-sitting round the old wood stove at Timothy Malloy's 
Saloon down at the corner near the old lamp light. 
You should see the congregation there on ivery summer 

night. 
Oh, there was Patrick Finnigan, now State Senator ; 
Billy Flynn and Mike McGlyn, who'.ve lately gone to war ; 
Sure, we were all good Dimicrats, singing "Stars and 

Stripes" 
All swearing at the G. O. P. and smoking our cob pipes. 

But now these days are over and Oi must lave the Boys, 
Must say good-boy to Tim Malloy and all those innocent 

joys. ^ 
To Washington Oi must go, the Senate bids me come. 
But e'er I go I'll give one blow-out that will make things 

hum. 
Oh, there is Patrick Finnigan, Michael Maguire, 
Billy Flynn and Mike McGlyn, and Dinnis, Pete and Dyer. 



12 THE LAMENTABLE TRAGEDY 

We'll give them all a banquet 'neath the Stars and Stripes, 
Some liquid for their thirsty throats, tobacco for their 
pipes. 

Three Suffragettes and Chorus. [Enter R. To Duncan, 
who enters L. Tune, "Tavern in the Town."] 

There is a drug store in the town, in the town, 
Owned by a man of great renown, great renown, 
And there they sell, in bottles marked "grape juice," 
This most obnoxious sort of booze ! 

[Display bottle, marked ''grape juice," full of strong- 
smelling zvood alcohol to deputation of rci'crcnt 
and respectable constituents.] 

Chorus of Suffragettes and Lizzie McLizzie. 

Fare thee well, we're going to beat you. 

In the Senate we'll unseat you. 

Fourth of March next from your toga you must part, 

must part: 
Adieu, adieu, Duncan — a pretty howdy-do ! 
We can no longer vote for you, vote for you. 
We'll vote our ticket straight for McLizzie, 
And he your goose will fricassee ! 

Duncan. 

Oh, this is deep-dyed treachery, treachery, 
In which I see the hand of Lizzie McLizzie 
In this death blow to my reputation 
Before this august deputation. 

Chorus. [Suffragettes, Lizzie McLizzie and reverent con- 
stituents.] 

Fare thee well, we're going to beat you. 

In the Senate we'll unseat you. 

Fourth of March next from your toga you must part, 

must part. 
Adieu, adieu, Duncan — a pretty howdy-do ! 
We can no longer vote for you, vote for you ; 
We'll vote our ticket straight for McLizzie, 
And he your goose will fricassee ! 

[Lizzie McLizzie pours zvood alcohol all over Duncan 
and all exeunt, leaving him alone.] 



OF McLTZZIE • 13 

Duncan. [Spoken.] I seem to be in bad odor with my con- 
stituents. [Tune, "Old Black Joe"] 

Gone are the days when my heart was young and gay. 
Gone are my friends from th^e voting place away. 
Gone my last chance to deceive them with more bunk. 
I hear their fading voices crying, 

Far-off Voices. Poor old Dunk ! 

Duncan. Fm done for, Fm done for, 
Prohibition Platform's junk; 
I hear those far-off voices sighing, 

Far-off Voices. Poor old Dunk ! 

Duncan. Why did I let that old drug store sell that dope? 
Were not enough soda water and tar soap? 
Why did I sell grape-juice that could make one drunk? 
When I was known the world around as "Good Old Dunk" ? 
Fm a dead one, Fm a dead one ! 
Prohibition Platform's punk. 
No more to hear the voters saying, "Good Old Dunk !" 

[Collapses on ground. Enter Lizzie McLizzie, zcith a 
Nasimova shudder, wringing her pocket handker- 
chief and sniffing at it.] 

Lizzie. [Spoken.] 

Out, out, damned smell ! 

For 'tis a smell of booze that smelleth to high Heaven or 

too well. 
Ah. here is the smell of the booze still. 
All the perfume of Arabia will not sweeten this little 

handkerchief. 

[Shudders as she looks at Duncan,] 

CURTAIN. 



14 THE LAMENTABLE TRAGEDY 

ACT III 

Scene I. [Banquet. Pat Finnigan, Mike Maguire, Billy 
Flynn, Mike McGlyn, Dinnis, Pete, Dyer seated at table. 
McLizziE at end of table; Mrs. McLizzie standing behind him. 
Dinnis, Pete and Dyer are in policemen's uniforms.^ 
All. [Tune, "Bingo."] 

Here's to Mike McLizzie, drink him down, drink him down, 
Here's to Mike McLizzie, drink him down, drink him down, 
Here's to Mike McLizzie and his wife, Lizzie McLizzie, 
Drink 'em down, drink 'em down, drink 'em down, down, 
down. 

Off for Washington, Washington, 
Off for Washington, Washington, 
Off for Washington, 
'Way down on the Po-to-mack. 

McLizzie. [Spoken.] Po-to-mack. That's right. You see, — 
[Tune, "Father and Mother Were Irish."] 

They went to live by the river. 

And it was Irish, too. 

And it was Irish, too. 

And it was Irish, too. 

They went to hve by the river. 

And it was Irish, too, 

[McLizzie dances until Mrs. McLizzie joins.] 
McLizzie and zvife. [Tune, Chorus to "Bingo."] 

We won't go home any more. 
We won't go home any more, 
We won't go home any more, 
'Way down on the Potomack ! 
Poto, Poto, Poto, Poto, Poto, Poto, 
'Way down on the Potomack ! 

McLizzie. [Tune, "Tipperary."] 

To go up to the Senate tried an Irishman one day. 
Had an awful time, because he didn't know the way. 
Had to dodge Protection, Cost of Living, and Reform, 
And so he called his friends to him, and them he did inform : 

chorus. 
The election is tomorrow, and my name's on the slate. 
Get tbem out, boys, and vote 'em early, 
Vote 'em often, vote 'em late! 



OF McLIZZIE 15 

Autos for the lame ones; who cares fur the cost? 
I'm a long, long way from being elected. 
If Duncan wins, Oi'm lost. 

[Repeat cJiorus.] 

McLizziE. Up before the voters came an Irishman one day, 
Claiming he was just the stuff to make the Senate gay, 
Promising the cost of living should go down to stay. 
And wages should be sky-high if they'd let him have his way. 

CHORUS. 

Get your ballots, mark them neatly, there is ;nv name up here, 

I very voter, if he's honest, will receive a keg of beer. 

Vote thon in one precinct, 

Then drive all round town. ^ 

Vote 'em three times three in ivery precinct. 

Prohibition must go down ! 

[Repeat cJwnis.] 

McLizziE. [Spoken.] Now for the feast, boys; bring in the 
pie — political pie. Every henchman shall have a slice. Now good 
digestion wait on appetite, and health on both. 

Chorus. Speech, speech, the Senator-to-be will now make a 
speech ! 

McLizziE. [Aside to Lizzie.] Saints, save me! Lizzie, tell 
me what to say! Oi niver made a speech in all me loife! Gintle- 
men, divil a speech can Oi make yez ! 

Lizzie. [Aside.] Hush, now, Oi'll be after helping yez! 
Here's a speech in the marnin's paper; ye can make this. It's old 
Duncan's speech that he made last night, so it ought to be a good 
speech, all right, all right. It begins, "Friends and Fellow Citi- 
zens," say that ! 

McLizzie. Friends and Sellow Fitizens, Oi mean, Stitzikens ! 

Lizzie. We are met here tonight on a ^most momentous 
occasion. 

]\IcLizziE. We are met here tonight on a most monumentous 
occasion. 

Lizzie. The foundations of the Constitution are afloat in a 
boundless sea. 

McLizzie. The foundations of the Constitution are a boat in a 
soundless bay. 

Lizzie. The Ship of State is undermined. 

McLizzie. The Ship of State has been torpedoed. 



i6 THE LAMENTABLE TRAGEDY 

'Lizzie. And the American Eagle is flapping his wings in help- 
less rage. 

McLizziE. And the American Eagle is gnashing his teeth in 
helpless rage. 

Chorus. Hear, hear! Hooray! Hooray! 

[Duncan's ghost appears, so that only McL. sees it, smell- 
ing of wood aleohoL] 

McLizziE. [To Ghost.] 

Whence this smell? Who uncorked the booze? 
Get out of here, go back to bed, and snooze. 

Lizzie. Gintlemen, be seated. Mike often frets and stews. 
McLizziE. [To Ghost.] 

You dassn't say I done it. 

Dead ones tell no news. [Ghost disappears.] 

Lizzie. [Reading newspaper.] This is no ordinary election. 

McLizziE. This ain't no ordinary election. You bet your 
bottom dollar it ain't. 

Lizzie. It is a mighty struggle of the masses against the 
classes. 

McLizziE. It is a mighty struggle of the mashes against the 
clashes. 

Lizzie. The masses are demanding equal rights. 

McLizziE.* The masses are demanding equal rights, and then 
some. 

Lizzie. The masses demand protection and prohibition. 

McLizziE. The masses demand protection and prohibition!. Oi 
mean the asses, the party now in power. 

Lizzie. I stand for protection and prohibition. 

McLizziE. [Aside.] Cut that out and tell me how to end this 
thing ! Down with protection and prohibition ! 

Chorus. Down with them. Hooray ! 

[Ghost of Duncan appears so that only McL. sees it.] 

McLizziE. Git out of here, ne'er show your face again. 

Don't shake your hoary locks nor wag your mane. 

Lizzie. Gintlemen, be seated. He's seeing snakes again. 

St. Patrick, drive the snakes out of his Irish brain ! 

[Ghost disappears.] 



OF McLIZZIE ly 

Lizzie. In all the history of this great and glorious country. 
McLizziE. In all the history of this great and giee-orious 
country, 

Lizzie, Now is the time of all times to stand pat. 

McLizziE. Now is the time of all times to stand pat. Oi mean 
to stand ^3; Pat— Oir-land for the Irish. 

Lizzie. Oi am against woman's suffrage. 

McLizziE. I am dead again woman's suffrage. [Three Suf- 
fragettes appear at hack of stage so that only AIcL. sees them.] 
As Oi said before, Oi'm dead again woman's suffering any further 
neglect. We men have exiled her long enough by putting her far 
above^us on a pedestal, and, poor thing, she has been lonely. . And 
haven't we been lonely without her society? I believe that on 
election day woman's place is at the Poles— the North Pole and 
the South Pole. [Great excitement, stampede for 'the exit.] 

Lizzie. That's right ! Stand not upon the order of vour going 
but go at once. [To McLizzie.] You great blithering/blundering 
dunce. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT IV 

Scene I. Chorus sings one verse and chorus of "Schneider's 
Band'' by A. J. Munday. "Sojers marchin' up der street," etc 
Von Tough. [Sings "Dutch Company."] 

Oh, when you hear the roll of the big bass drum, 
Then you may know that the Dutch have come ;' 
For the Dutch company is the best company 
That ever came over from Old Germany. 

Chorus. Hoorah ! Hoorah ! Hoorah ! Standpatters we. 
Hoorah ! Hoorah ! Hoorah ! The G. O. P. 
Tra-la-la-la-lee, 
Tra-la-la-la-lee, we're the G. O. P. 

When Dutch meets Dutch than comes a rousing cheer, 
When Dutch meets Dutch then flows the lager beer ; 
For the Dutch company is the best company 
That ever came over from Old Germany. 

Chorus. Hoorah ! etc. 

[Enter another German.] 



i8 THE LAMENTABLE TRAGEDY 

German. [Tune, "Oh, Where, oh. Where."] 

Oh where, oh where, is mein Herr von Tough? 
Oh where, oh where, can't he be? 
How his ears would burn if my tale he'd learn. 
Oh where, oh where ish he? 

Chorus. Ach there, mein Herr von Tou-ough I spy ! 
I bring you good news that won't make you cry. 
Old Duncan was drunken and he's off the slate. 
You're the dark horse candidate ! 

Von Tough. Oh where, or where, is that little dark horse? 
Oh where, oh where, can he be? 
With his ears cut short and his tail cut long. 
Oh where, oh where can be he? 

Chorus. I'll ride that dark horse now to my victory, 
So 'twill remind them of Old Hickory! 
Oh, Hickory Dickory Herman von Tough, 
He is one man you can't bluff. 

[Dark horse is brought in, zvhich von Tough mounts.] 

All. [Tune, "Stein Song."] 

Give a cheer, then, for election, 

For we'll meet mit no rebuff; 

They haf made one goot selection 

When they bicked out Herr von Tough. 

For we're going to elect him. 

The Bosses did veil select him 

To reply in the Senate 

To all Democratic bluff ; 

For we're going to elect him, . 

The voters will all select him 

To preside o'er the Senate — 

President Pro-Tem, von Tough ! 

All. [Except von Tough. Tune, "Augustine/'] 

Ach du lieber Herr von Tough, 
Herr von Tough, Herr von Tough. 
Ach du lieber Herr von Tough, 
How veil thou ridest ! 



OF McLIZZIE 19 

How veil thou ridest, the Dark Horse bestridest. 
Ach, how we love thee, Herr von I'oiigh. 
Thou art the stuff ! 

Hon-or-a-ble Herr von Tough, Herr von Tough, 

Herr von Tough, 
Hon-or-a-ble Herr von Tough, 
How veil thou ridest ! 

How veil thou ridest, the Dark Horse bestridest. 
Ach, Hon-or-a-ble Herr von Tough, 
Du bist kein "bluff !" 

{_All dance out, clacking zvoodcn shoes, leading 
the Dark Horse in triumph.] 



ACT V 

Scene. The night of election day, in front of the bulletin- 
board of the leading newspaper. The bulletin-board reads: — 

MUCH RIOTING AROUND THE POLLS. 
SUFFRAGETTES THROW BRICKS. 
DUNCAN FOUND DEAD (drunk). 
REPUBLICANS SWING OVER TO VON TOUGH, 

THE DARK HORSE. 
McLIZZIE'S TIRE PUNCTURED. 

McLizziE. [Enters zvith Finnigan, IMaguire, Flynn, and 
McGlyn. Tune, "T'ipperary."] 

Up before the voters came this Irishman this day, 
Claiming he was just the stuff to make the Senate gay; 
Promising the cost of living should go down to stay. 
And wages would be sky-high if they'd help him win the day. 

[Bulletin now reads: — McLizzie, 557 11 ; Duncan, 23000; von 
Tough, 12345.] 

Chorus. 

Here's the r^-turns, mark them closely, here is my name up 

here. 
Ivery voter who was for me did receive his keg of beer. 
Voted in one precinct then drove all 'round town, 
Voted three times three in every precinct. 
Prohibition shure went down. 



20 THE LAMENTABLE TRAGEDY 

[Enter Three Suffragettes.] 

First Suf. McLizzie, get busy. 
Second Suf. Beware, von Tough. 
Third Suf. The ballot boxes you must stuff. 
McLizzie. [Aside.] That Oi did, believe me! Oi'd have 
stuffed them more, but they'd have busted. 

Three Sues. [In stage whisper.] Von Tough — enough! 

[They vanish.] 

[Bulletin now reads: — McLizzie, 557 ii; Duncan, 23000; von 
Tough, 23456.] 

McLizzie. [Tune, "McSorley's Twins."] 

Arrah, what do we care for von Tough and his Dutch, 
For they can't scare us, no, not much — 
With music and dancing from marnin' 'til night, 
They'll find out they can't win in this foight. 
By St. Patrick and Michael, those three Suffragettes 
Promised they would put me in the Sinate, 
And yet here they be saying, "Beware of von Tough !" 
Did you hear them right here just this minute? 
To the Sinate I'm going this next fourth of March, 
And von Tough better stand out my way. 
Oi will take out of him all his Oswego Starch, 
And he'll wish he'd kept out of the fray. [Exeunt. Enter 
VON Tough, mopping perspiration and fanning zvith large 
palm leaf. He is follozved by his little German Band.] 

VoN Tough. [Tune, "Bavarian Yodle/' The Waterfall.] 

I'm the Dark Horse, I'm the Dark Horse, tra-la-la-la-la. 
I'll send McLizzie to the horse-pital, tra-la-la-la-la. 
I'm the Dark Horse, I'm the Dark Horse, tra-la-la-la-la. 
I'll send McLizzie to the horse-pital, tra-la-la-la-la. 
I'm as limber, I'm as limber 

As li-i-im-berger cheese. 
I have double joints, I have double joints, 

In bo-o-oth of my knees. 
I'm as limber, I'm as limber 

As li-i-im-berger cheese. 
I have double joints, I have double joints. 

In bo-o-oth of my knees. 

[Bulletin nozv reads: — McLizzie, 557 11; Duncan, 23000; von 
Tough, 34567. Little German Band shows enthusiasm.] 



OF McLIZZIE 21 

All. [Tuue, "Stein Song/'] 

Give a rouse then in the night time 
For a candidate so dear ; 
Heraus then mit McLizzie, 
But hcraur kein keg von beer, 
For it's always warm weather 
When us Deutsch gets together 
With a stein on the table 
And a good song ringing clear, 

etc. 

[Bulletin nozv reads-' — McLizzie, 55713; Duncan, 23000; von 
Tough, 45678. Much heating of drums, and tooting. 
Three police, Dinnis, Dyer, and Pete, club them off 
stage. Enter McLizzie, with Finnigan, Maguire, 
Flynn and McGlyn.] 

All. [Tune, "The Irish Christening."] 

We stuffed ballot boxes outrageous 
'Twas work umbrageous, but we're courageous; 
The stealing we did was outrageous 
When we tried to elect McLizzie 
One could hear in our pockets coin clinking, 
And so the chinking set one to thinking, 
What a treat it would be to be drinking 
With that great candidate McLizzie 
When back to the polls they came 
With Finnigan and Michael O'Harrigan, 
Pat ALaguire, Dinnis and Dyer, and Sirs 
Patrick McGlyn and O'Flyn, 
Cornelius Horatio Flaherty's son, 
Hogan and Hegan and Dr. O'Raggerty; 
Oh, what a row ! Never, I vow, 
Was there election like this. 
And McLizzie keeps on making speeches, 
• Which his wife teaches — she wears the breeches. 
And those Sufifragettes they were peaches 
When they tried to elect McLizzie. 
Those policemen were onto their jobs. 
They whacked all snobs and cracked all slobs, 
And gathered in dough in great gobs 
From their candidate, Michael McLiz. 



22 THE LAMENTABLE TRAGEDY 

[Exeunt omnes as enters Lizzie McLizzie, {)i night gozvn and 
night cap, ivith candle in tin candle stick.^ 

'Lizzie. {Tune, "What Can the Matter Be^"] 

Oh, dear, what can the matter be? 
Dear, dear, what can the matter be? 
Oh, dear, what can the matter be? 

Michael's so long at the polls. 
He promised to take me to Washington, D. C. 
And promised to make me the belle of society; 
Promised to act like a man of propriety. 

Now he's got beat at the polls. 

Oh, dear, what can the matter be? 
Dear, dear, what can the matter be? 
Oh, dear, what can the matter be? 

Duncan was safe out the way. 
I made him a dead one by raiding his drug store. 
The Suffragettes helped me but now they will help me no more. 
Who is this bore whom the Dutch so much adore? 
Who is von Tough any way? 

Oh, dear, what can the matter be? 
Dear, dear, what can the matter be? 
Oh, dear, what can the matter be? 

Michael was certainly done. 
I've worked every day and I've worked all the night again ; 
Washing my dress but 't will never be white again ; 
Brain all gin-fizzled will never be right again. 

What's done cannot be undone. [Exits.] 

[Bulletin now reads-' — McLizzie, 55713; Duncan, 23000; von 
Tough, 56y8g. Re-enter von Tough and his little Ger- 
man Band with Dinnis, Pete and Dyer lined up on 
their side. Re-enter from opposite side, McLizziEj 
FiNNiGAN^ Maguire, Flynn and McGlyn.] 

McL. AND His Chorus. [Tune, "Meershaum Pipe."] 

Well, now, if that don't beat the Dutch, beat the Dutch. 

VoN T. AND His Chorus. 

No that don't beat the Dutch, not much, no, not much. 
The Dutch have got you in their clutch 



OF McLIZZIE 23 

And they are .going to win. 
Going to win, win at a walk. 
That's how to talk, chalk talk. 

[Point to bulletin board which noiv reads: — McLizzie, 
55713; Duncan, 23000; von Tough, 67890.] 

Who now will ride upon my horse, my dark horse? 
Who now will ride upon my horse, my dark horse? 
Who now will ride upon my horse, when I to Wash- 
ington go? 

Chorus. Michael McLiz, what's left of him, 
That's if he can, can can. 

\_Exeunt McLizzie, Finnigan, Maguire, Flynn and McGlyn.] 

[Bulletin now reads: — McLizzie, 55713; Duncan, 23000; von 

Tough, 78910. The Little German Band, Dinnis, 

Dyer and Pete sing to tune-' "Die Wacht Am Rhine."] 

All. Thus end the great election day, 

Thus ends the fracas and the fray. 

The grand old party G. O. P. 

Has won another victoree. 

Amerika, magst ruhig sein, 

Amerika, magst ruhig sein, 

Fest steht und treu von Tough, der Herr von Tough. 

Fest steht und treu von Tough, der Herr von Tough. 

CURTAIN 



THREE LAMENTABLE TRAGEDIES OF 
SHAKESPEARE 

ARRANGED IN SONG AND VERSE 

By 

ONA WINANTS BORLAND 



The Lamentable Tragedy of Julius Caesar 

Burlesque in five short acts for twelve singing: parts. 

For costumes, sheets trimmed with broad bands of some bright color 
have been successfully draped to resemble the Roman toga. Even 
kimonas of a plain color have been used. A loose garment should be 
worn beneath as a tui;ic. Sandals may be laced up with a color con- 
trasting with the color of the stockings. The men may wear fillets or 
laurel wreaths. For armor, chafing dish standards or small kettles 
answer for helmets. Chafing dish lids or the lids of clothes boilers 
make effective shields. The standard for a brass teakettle may be used 
for the crown. The "lean and hungry Cassius" may be gotten up -in 
contrast to the well-fed Brutus. Let the Soothsayer depict an Oriental 
Jew with false nose; his gown should be covered with the signs of the 
zodiac, snakes, and so forth. Price, 25 cents. 



The Lamentable Tragedy of Omelet and Oatmealia (Hamlet) 
Burlesque in five acts for twelve singing parts. 

Cast: — KING FRAUDIUS — Potted boneless chicken, usurping the 
throne' of Chanticleer. OMELET — His nephew, son of the former king. 
BOLOGNIUS— Lord chamberlain. POSTUM — His son. BACONIUS — 
Friend to Omelet. SUNNY JIM, JIM DUMPS — Courtiers. GHOST OF 
CHANTICLEER. TOASTEM — A grave digger. MILK — Mother of 
OMELET, and Queen. OATMEALIA — Daughter of Bolognius. CA- 
MELIA KIDD — A supe, — one of the players. 

SCENE: — Castle of Ills-Galore, City of Illville. TIME: — To-morrow. 
The tunes are all old and familiar; most of them will be found in 
"Home Songs." Price, 25 cents. 



Adherents of 
McLizzie. 



The Lamentable Tragedy of McLizzie (Macbeth) 
Burlesque in five acts for the following characters: 

DUNCAN — Prohibition senator. 
MICHAEL McLIZZIE — Candidate 

for U. S. Senate, backed by 

"wets" and "suffragettes." 
HOWCOME — Duncan's son. 
ADDLEBRAIN — Duncan's secre- 
tary. 
HERR VON TOUGH — The dark 

horse candidate. 
SCHNEIDER AND HIS BAND OF 

THREE — Adherents of von 

Tough. 
LIZZIE McLIZZIE — An ambitious 

wife. 

These fine burlesques have been presented by Smith College, Chicago 
University, etc., and are the most amusing comedies for many years 
for girls' college clubs, and for church societies. TThe author is a Smith 
College girl and the wife of Congressman Borland. Each copy will be 
sent, postpaid, for 25 cents. 

Address orders to 

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 



PAT FINNIGAN 
MIKE MAGUIRE 
BILLY FLYNN f 
MIKE McGLYN j 

DINNIS ) 

PETE f Policemen 

DYER ) 

FIRST, SECOND, AND THIRD 
SUFFRAGETTE^Who speak 
for themselves. 

Chorus of frcm eight to fifty male 
and female voices. 



Practical Instructions tor 
Private Theatricals 

ByW. D. EMERSON 

Author of '*A Country Eomanco, " ''The Unknown Rival,'* 

"Humble Fie," etc. 



Price, 25 cents 



Here is a practical hand-book, describing in detail all the 
accessories, properties, scenes and apparatus necessary for an 
amateur production. In addition to the descriptions in words, 
everything is clearly shown in the numerous pictures, more 
than one hundred being inserted in the book. iS'o such useful 
book has ever been offered to the amateur players of any 
country. 

CONTENTS 

Chapter I. Introductory Remarks. 

Chapter 11. Stage, How to Make, etc. In drawing-rooms 
or parlors, with sliding or hinged doors. In a single large 
fi/om. The Curtain; hov/ to attach it, and raise it, etc. 

Chapter 111. Arrangement of Scenery. How to hang it. 
Drapery, tormentors, wings, borders, drops. 

Chaptp- IV. Box Scenes, Center door pieces, plain wings, 
door wings, return pieces, etc. 

Chapter V. How to Light the Stage. Oil, gas and electric 
light. Footlights, Sidelights, Reflectors. How to darken the 
stage, etc. 

Chapter VI. Stage Effects. Wind. Rain, Thunder, Break- 
ing Glass, Falling Buildings, Snow, Water, Waves, Cascades, 
Passing Trains, Lightning, Chimes, Sound of Horses' Hoofs, 
S:iots. 

Chapter VII. Scene Painting. 

Chapter VIII. A Word to the Property MaiL 

Chapter IX. To the Stage Manager- 
Chapter X. The Business Manager. 

Address Orders to 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO. ILLINOIS 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



playJ 




017 400 415 8 



And Entertainment Books. 

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